Our True Self

Day 288 / 366

I used to write in a diary since I was in class 8th. Later in college, I switched to a Google Doc, and I still write entries in it every once in a while. Today I was going through some old entries I wrote back in 2009, and it was shocking. Honestly speaking I didn’t identify with the boy that wrote it.

Back then, all I cared about was my studies. And that is what I wrote about in my diary as well. For instance, I wrote one day about how disappointed I was with myself and that I wasted my time watching a test match instead of studying. I used to plan out how and what I would study when I got breaks for Diwali, Dusshera etc. It seems crazy how dedicated I was to just this one thing, and I can safely say that it paid dividends later on.

Cut to the present day, 16 years later, and I cannot focus on anything even if my life depended on it. I don’t follow timetables, and I would happily watch a 5-day test match and skip work without shedding a single tear. Is that old version of me gone for good?

I don’t identify with this version of me either. This version of me is definitely more popular with other people. A lot of people think I was out of my mind when I told them about how I used to study back in school. But I still wish that I could be back to my old self sometimes. I wish that I stopped caring about what others think, or if I have any friends or not, and just focused on doing what I liked doing.

You see the thing is, I liked studying that much. No one was forcing me to do it. Just like some kids enjoyed playing football, I enjoyed proving mathematical equations from scratch. And I do believe that that true self is still there. I just need to dig deep to find it.